Amazon’s Answer to Game of Thrones?

The Wheel of Time is more than just a “GoT rip off” according to this streamer!

Can we agree that Game of Thrones was a hugely successful series for HBO? Great! And can we also agree that Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy was also a huge moneymaker? Fine! So, it’s not a stretch to assume that anyone borrowing from these franchises is hoping to make the big bucks. That’s all I see when I look at previews of The Wheel of Time. It’s just another fantasy cash grab filled with more formulas than swords and sorcery. But don’t take my word for it. Check out The Wheel of Time trailer for yourself:

“What’s Your Problem with The Wheel of Time?”

I can almost hear all the shrieking now. It’s coming from the rabid fantasy fans who salivate at the chops for any lackluster escapist drivel that comes down the pike. Yup, they’re already revving up to embrace The Wheel of Time as soon as it’s available. (The series launched yesterday.) It’s this group of people, whom I imagine being dressed in Wheel of Time cosplay, who are likely to come for me. Oh, well. I’m happy to answer the question I’m sure they’ll all be screaming.

Ever hear of 13 Reasons Why? Well, here are 11 reasons why The Wheel of Time will likely be a hackneyed hodgepodge of fantasy and sci-fi films’ greatest hits:

1. Moiraine Sedai (Rosamund Pike) is a magic-wielding person who serves as the main protagonist. In other words, she’s very much a female Gandalf the Grey.

2. Moiraine takes an oath never to use the “One Power” as a weapon. Could this One Power be anything like The Force from the Star Wars universe? It certainly feels that way, and I find this show’s lack of originality disturbing.

3. Moiraine mentions that she did not choose her path (to adventure) but she will follow it anyway. Hmmmm… kind of like Frodo Baggins and Bilbo Baggins before him?

4. So, Moiraine is headed to a remote mountain community populated by young people who aren’t aware of the dangers headed their way. Hello? Hobbits? The Shire? I mean, come on, people!

5. “The Dark One is waking.” This must be the arch-villain of the series who’s awaking, much like Sauron did in Lord of the Rings. Bonus Gripe: If the person in the trailer is this “Dark One,” the person is hardly scary. They’re riding a horse and wearing an opera mask. That’s not exactly a Nazgul!

6. “But there will be one who can stand against him.” Wow! Only the most tired cliché in all of fantasy fiction, right? I wonder which one of those fresh-faced brats will be the “Luke Skywalker” of this series?

7. The army of the Dark One looks like a pack of rabid weregoats. These critters should also remind you of something. I’m not saying it’s the orcs from Lord of the Rings but it’s the orcs from Lord of the Rings. Bonus Gripe: The way the weregoats charged down the mountain carrying torches is practically a shot-by-shot reproduction of what’s in The 13th Warrior.

8. Oh wow! Look at that. There’s a desert kingdom at 1:17. I didn’t see that in Game of Thrones. Oh wait! I did. Yeah, I did, and they probably did it better.

9. And there’s the young lady being burned at the stake at 1:21. We’ve seen this before in Game of Thrones – Stanis Baratheon’s daughter, Shireen. I doubt the scene in Wheel will be nearly as heart-wrenching.

10. Even the structure at 1:36 looks a lot like the tower that contained Sauron’s (almost) all-seeing eye.

11. And how about that logo at the end of the trailer? It’s a lot like the dragon animation from Thrones’ intro… if that intro was done by my 12-year-old’s computer animation class.

There Might Be ONE Moral Dilemma Though…

Remember Moiraine swears an oath at the beginning of the trailer? In it, she promises never to lie, make a weapon, or use the One Power to harm another. Well, if you watch the trailer closely, it looks as if she casts some sort of fireball spell. (My Advanced Dungeons & Dragons days coming back to me now.) Perhaps Moiraine is forced to break her oath, thus causing a huge moral dilemma for her. If this is the case, it will probably be the best part of The Wheel of Time’s storyline. There’s only one problem…

I Won’t Watch it to Find Out

Sorry, not sorry, Amazon Prime. I’m a little burned out on this swords and sorcery stuff anyway. The last thing I want to do is invest in a series that is one fantasy cliché after another. Besides, if I wait another year, The Lord of the Rings series will make its way onto Amazon. In the meantime, here’s everything new on the streaming service, including what might be some interesting original movies and series. Check it out.

November 1

• 50/50

• Alien

• Alien 3

• Alien Resurrection

• Alien Vs. Predator

• Alpha Dog

• American Assassin

• Born On The Fourth Of July

• Bringing Down the House

• Casanova, Last Love

• Cast Away

• Children Of Men

• Crazy, Stupid, Love

• Dan In Real Life

• Dead Poets Society

• Dragonball Evolution

• Dude, Where’s My Car?

• Eragon

• Fantastic Mr. Fox

• Gnomeo & Juliet

• Hope Springs Eternal

• I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

• In Time

• It’s Complicated

• Jane Eyre

• Jingle All the Way

• Jingle All the Way 2

• Johnny English

• Kung Pow: Enter The Fist

• Major Payne

• Meet Dave

• Mrs. Doubtfire

• Predator 2

• Rushmore

• Sleeping With the Enemy

• Snatch

• Stuck On You

• The Big Year

• The Black Dahlia

• The Constant Gardener

• The Day the Earth Stood Still

• The House Bunny

• The Nutty Professor

• The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

• Three Men and A Baby

• Undercover Brother

• Vanity Fair

• Vantage Point

• Who Framed Roger Rabbit

• Wild Hogs

• Wimbledon

• Baking with Julia: Season 1

• Baptiste: Season 1

• Courage the Cowardly Dog: Season 1

• Family Business: Season 1

• Irresponsable: Season 1

• Ladies of the Law: Season 1

• Magellan: Season 1

• Mega Disasters: Season 1

• Native America: Season 1

• Noggin Knows: Season 1

• Power Book II: Ghost: Season 1

• Rectify: Season 1

• Red Road: Season 1

• The Lucy Show: Season 1

• The Restaurant: Season 1

• The Roy Rogers Show: Season 1

• Under Suspicion: Season 1

• Wheeler Dealers: Season 1

November 5

• The Electrical Life of Louis Wain (Amazon Original Movie)

• Snowmance

• The Spruces And The Pines

• Pete the Cat (Amazon Original Series: New Episodes)

• Tampa Baes (Amazon Original Series: Season 1)

November 12

• Mayor Pete – Amazon Original Movie

• Finding You

• Always Jane – Amazon Original Series: Season 1

November 16

• Beginners

November 19

• Everybody Loves Natti – Amazon Original Series: Season 1

• The Wheel of Time – Amazon Original Series: Season 1

November 20

• Here Comes the Boom

November 24

• Hanna – Amazon Original Series: Season 3

• Do, Re & Mi Holiday Special: Merry Nestivus – Amazon Original

November 26

• Anni da cane (Dog Years) – Amazon Original Movie

November 29

• Burning – Amazon Original Movie