Apple gives us nothing we want

Image courtesy of Engadget

Hey, remember when I told you the age of Apple was done? Watching the latest Apple keynote makes me realize I was right. I’m sorry, I’m not buying the hype machine this time. I’ll admit, the iPhone X was something special, but it’s been a while, Apple. You’ve stopped thinking different.

Here’s what I mean.

Apple Arcade?

Does anyone really need another subscription arcade service? How hardcore are Apple gamers anyway? When I see people playing games on an iPhone it’s always something casual, not something serious. This won’t move the needle.

Apple TV +?

This one actually makes me mad. I complained that Disney+ would be the end of the cord-cutting movement. That was before Apple got into the fray. Even at $5 a month, it’s just another streaming service that’s low on content and high on price. How much will you end up paying for all of these? Are you really better off than in the past, when you could get all your entertainment with one bill, on DIRECTV?

Is the iPad really bigger? Who cares?

I actually like iPads and I think they’re great devices. But upping the screen size by a half inch isn’t going to make any difference to my life.

Apple Watch Series 5

Wow, I’m calling this a dud. Dana Wollman of engadget actually said it best. Its key feature might be that it stays on all the time, but we don’t want that. What we want is to go a day without charging it. Where’s the Apple Watch that lets you go a week without charging?

The flat-out disappointment of iPhone 11

This new phone is so disappointing that it’s going to take several bullet points for me to even get through it.

Let’s talk about those bumps

That’s right, the renders showed a massive square bump. What they didn’t show was that the cameras bump up past that even! It helps that the bump is the same color as the rest of the back but then you realize there’s even more of a bump with the cameras. Now it basically doesn’t matter which case you put on, the cameras are going to get scratched.

It didn’t have to be like that, at least not for iPhone 11.

I bet Apple could have kept the hotdog-shaped bump of iPhone X if they wanted to, at least for the dual camera iPhone 11. For the ridiculous triple camera iPhone 11 Pro, ok, maybe you need a bump. It’s ridiculous.

Better audio? Seriously?

Let me tell you how much I hate when people play their music through their phones in public. This is what headphones are for, people. The last thing I need is Apple encouraging people to make their phones make even more noise because they say there’s surround sound. I just don’t know what to say.

18 watt WIRED charging

So maybe I’m wrong here, but it looks like the iPhone 11 Pro ships with a WIRED 18W charger, but it still doesn’t support 7.5 watt Qi wireless charging. It’s nice to have that ultimate charging speed but I charge wirelessly and so does pretty much everyone else. Serious fail here.

The name game

By calling the base model “iPhone 11” they can say that it’s $400 less than iPhone X was at launch. Really though the iPhone 11 is comparable to the iPhone XR, while the Pro model is comparable to the X and XS. So they make you think you’re saving money until you get into the store and realize the more expensive one is the one you want anyway.

Better battery life

This is a rare bit of good news today. They say you’ll get a few more hours of battery life and I look forward to that. But, you’ll have to go to the Pro model. It seems like spending $700 on a phone doesn’t entitle you to good battery life.

Oh, but the cameras. The cameras.

Someone gave phone manufacturers the idea that we all need better cameras. I don’t know who that person is, but enough already. My 2-year-old phone shoots about the same quality as a DSLR. Now you have a triple-camera monstrosity with built-in wide angle and the ability to shoot 4K from the front camera. Great, even higher resolution pictures of the inside of people’s noses. This is supposed to be an improvement?

Here’s what we didn’t get (short list)

  • A lighter phone
  • A phone with all-week battery life
  • A phone with a flat back
  • Any improvements to Facetime (it was supposed to be an open standard)
  • Ability to charge another device from your device
  • Any information about the iOS 13/iPad OS launch date (wait, they told journalists it’s going to be 9/19)
  • A replacement for the dated and overpriced AppleTV
  • A watch that you could use for sleep tracking and still use all day the next day
  • Anything that made me say “wow.”

Your move, Apple. I hate writing articles like this. I really do. I want you to succeed. Just, do something.

Oh, and the music on your keynotes is flat out painful. Fix that too.