FUN FRIDAY: Stuart’s definitive guide to Star Wars films

Yes I am totally geeking out considering that we’re fewer than six weeks from the next installment of Star Wars. This is the movie series that inspired me to make a lightsaber out of a branch, the movie series that I debated and quoted endlessly in my younger days, the movie series that (to date) I have bought in three different formats – in fact having bought three of the films three times and the other three only twice. Be cavalier about whatever else you’re doing this winter, but seriously, dudes, Star Wars.

So it’s Friday and part of my job is to write this blog and sometimes I get to go horrendously off topic. This is one of those times. Honestly, what are you doing at your desk today that’s so productive? Reading this blog? Thought so. That said, here’s my mini-review of all six films to help you prepare for the seventh.

The Phantom Menace
The most useless of all six films, it was still a massive hit when released in 1999 because there hadn’t been a Star Wars movie in sixteen long years. That’s long enough to make a whole Justin Bieber. I’m just saying. This movie was fun because you got to see young Obi-Wan and an inexplicably kind-hearted Anakin, but let’s just put this out there… Jar Jar. And way too much CGI because they could, and this being 1999 it seemed pretty good but wasn’t really. You got to see Samuel L. Jackson, then at the height of his bad-dude-ness, say one line. So that’s something. But really the good parts could have been a 15 minute flashback and the bad parts could have been totally torpedoed. That said, a bad Star Wars movie is like bad pizza. It’s still better than most anything else.

Attack of the Clones
Groan. The second worst, I’ll admit, even though it really has a lot of good stuff in it. You get to see Tattooine again and it looks exactly like you remembered it when you were a kid. There’s a lot of fun stuff and honestly I liked the arena battle at the end. Star Wars has always been about calling back to old movies and this was a Coliseum battle with lightsabers. That and a gigantic lizard kitty. It’s almost enough to make you forgive the whiny teenage Anakin. I liked it and have watched it enough times that I know when to fast-forward.

Revenge of the Sith
Now purists will complain, but I think that this film is actually tied for the second-best Star Wars film. It has a lot of heavy lifting to do and it does all of it while mostly not boring you. (I’m thinking the opera house scene was probably the worst part of it and it was still not so bad.) It brings a lot of pop culture to the party, not the least of which is the original Frankenstein. And you know, a lot of people get killed and it’s really sad and parts of it look like The Wizard of Oz but you really get to see what the Jedi were about and as a bonus, it does an incredibly awesome job of tying in to the next film. Seriously, watch the last 20 minutes of this one and the first 20 minutes of the next one and you’ll realize how well they fit together.

A New Hope
The one that started it all is tied for second place among the six films for me. Sure, it’s the best story with the best pacing and that’s because Lucas didn’t know if there would be another one. So he actually came up with a real plot that starts and stops. But then you also have to realize that Luke is a real whiny baby for about half of it and no matter which version you watch (I think there are three, or maybe four including re-edits) it suffers from some clunky storytelling and bad pacing. And I still don’t understand how a stormtrooper picks up a metal ring and says “Look sir, droids.” Is that ring droid poop? Seriously I want to know.

The Empire Strikes Back
Conventional wisdom will tell you that this is the best of the six films because Lucas didn’t write it or direct it. I think that’s really unfair but on the other hand it’s not really also totally incorrect. Doesn’t matter why, though, this is the dramatic pin around which the entire series spins. The villain and the hero are father and son. The two reunite in a meaningful way but there’s betrayal and cutting off hands and stuff like that. The dialogue is snappy and even though you have to wonder why the Empire would use giant elephant robots instead of ships, the effects are really pretty good even for today. This film looks beautiful, it sounds beautiful, and it’s clearly the highlight of the series which unfortunately leads to…

Return of the Jedi
Again, conventional wisdom says that by 1982, Lucas was addicted to making money so he created a whole movie so he could sell toys. Along the way he forgot to add a coherent plot or a really new device (what? They had a spare Death Star and no one knew that?) And Ewoks. Seriously, Ewoks. But that’s a harsh criticism of a film whose real fault lies in the relatively sappy way that it solves pretty much every problem in the Star Wars universe in under two hours. Everyone is happy and the Emperor is dead and Vader is a good guy now and everyone gets to see Ghost Yoda which is much better than regular Yoda because he doesn’t talk.

So the question is… where will The Force Awakens fall in that? Like Empire, it’s neither written nor directed by Lucas. Like the first three films, it uses real props a lot and doesn’t make the actors do all their work on green screens. Like the prequel trilogy, it has a reasonably modern view of the role of nonwhites and women. But it probably also has too many sound effects by Ben Burtt, who is great but enough already. It probably also has a lot of mythology and it either has to honor some of the stupid concessions of the earlier films or ignore them. No matter what you do someone’s going to be upset.

You know what, though? I don’t care. I’ll see it in the theaters, probably more than once for old times’ sake, and I’ll buy it in some format or other when it comes out for purchase. Because… why stop now? I’ll probably buy all 35 films (or whatever they end up making.) And that’s why they’re being made.